Hot off the editor's desk: Tighten verbose language
I just finished editing a piece of feminist epistemology for one of our client journals. The thing is pretty well written—clean, reasonably tight, and free of any obvious betises. But. . . .
Every Author Needs an Editor
Like all authors, ours has a few quirks that need attention. Let’s look at one of them.
Verbose turns of phrase
In this article, Author shows a peculiar fondness for subordinate clauses introduced with “that.” She probably figures the more words one uses to say something, the more scholarly it sounds. Not so! It’s the content that counts, not the number of words. Subordinate clauses, especially those starting with “that is. . .” and “which is. . . ,” can often be converted into participial phrases. The technique is simple: just delete that is (or that are, which is, or which are). The effect is much tighter and more professional.
Example:
. . . services that are provided mainly by poor women from minority, working-class, or Third-World immigrant backgrounds.
Better:
. . . services provided mainly by poor women from minority, working-class, or Third-World immigrant backgrounds.
Remember the editor’s scripture:
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that a writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
William Strunk and E. B. White
Elements of Style
Principle 17
—V.H.
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